The Untethering Continues....

So many damn emotions.

Our oldest is, in the blink of an eye, a junior in college in California, and now we are leaving our second babe in the same state for her freshman year - but 5 hours (on a good day) away from her brother, 6+ hours from my sister and nephew, and a plane, train and automobile away from us.

I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but I never, ever knew the things a mother's heart could hold.

Fear and joy.

Love and pride.

Regret and overwhelm.

Excitement and grief.

And somehow, all of it at the exact same time.

Leaving my girl here carries a weight of its own.

This stunner of a human came into the world 3 months early, weighing in at a whopping 2lbs and in a manner that should have been a preview of things to come, feet first. She has been keeping me on my toes from the very second she arrived. She has tested me, stretched me, humbled me, and taught me more about myself, about love, and about letting go than I ever could have imagined. From the moment she entered this wild world, she has been one of my greatest teachers....still is, and will continue to be to my last breath.

The last 4 years have not been easy. They were hard-fought and filled with challenges I honestly wasn't sure we'd survive. Challenges that truly tested every part of us.

And maybe that is part of why today feels so big.

Because I am not just leaving my daughter at college.

I am watching her walk into a life she has fought incredibly hard to be ready for.

Seeing where she stands now - after everything, after all the struggle, after all the moments when I wondered what the future would look like - feels truly almost miraculous.

This child's resiliency is quietly woven into today. She doesn't yell it from the rooftops, she's far more gentle and sweet than that...so beautifully different than me.

Watching your child bloom after you have watched them struggle is one of the most beautiful and emotionally complicated things I have ever experienced.

As a mother, you want so badly to protect them from the darkest and hardest of things. You want to fix what hurts. You want to carry some of the weight when theirs becomes too heavy.

And then, somehow, you realize that sometimes the most loving thing you can do and the greatest gift you can give is to step back.

To trust.

To loosen the grip.

To watch them become the person they were always becoming.

It is breathtaking.

And it hurts like hell.

I am so proud of her. And I am so proud of us for getting here.

There have been so many transitions this year. And some days I honestly wonder if my heart has the capacity to hold any more.

And yet, here we are.

A continued untethering.

It's the strange and tender complicated season of midlife, when the anchors we have built and leaned on begin to shift and transform.

When our children step into their own strength and power and the life we so beautifully built begins to change shape.

Midlife has a way of showing us that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. And somehow, that realization doesn't harden me or even scare me at this point.

It is breaking me open.

It makes me deeply, profoundly grateful for every single piece of this journey.

For the heartbreak and the joy.

For the quiet victories after long, long struggles.

For the endings and the beginnings.

For the people we have loved so deeply and the people we are still learning to let go of.

I am a slow learner, so it is no surprise to me that all the teachings I have been immersed in for so long are now like giant electric billboards in my mind:

Be witness

Soak it all in.

Let yourself feel all the fear without letting it dictate the narrative.

Let yourself feel all the joy without needing to grip it so tightly.

Don't attach.

Don't avoid.

Just be untethered for now and be here for it. For all of it.

Because this wild, brutiful, heartbreaking mess of loving deeply, letting go, watching our children bloom, and watching life transform right before our eyes - this is what is means to be human and to be alive.

p.s. To whomever I sit next to on the plane tomorrow morning, my deepest of apologies.