When my little was 2 years old and something even slightly shocking stopped her in her tracks, she’d hold her palms up, scrunch up her little face and say: “What the heck in the whole wide world?”
This is basically how I have felt for most of the past few years.
Working part-time, in the depths of perimenopause, trying to stay married, care for my beloved pets, and all the while attempting to guide and support 3 teenagers; I find myself silently screaming,
“WHAT THE HECK IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?!”
At times perimenopause + mothering 3 teens makes me want to cry, sleep (and not normal sleep, narcolepsy-like sleep), punch something or someone, scream, eat an entire box of oreos or cheez-it's (depends on the day), or get divorced.
And then at other times, I sit in the glory of all the Universe has given me and I write in my journal how grateful I am for all of it, especially my children, my supportive husband, my tribe of dear ones (and my dogs).
Most of the time the space between these two phases of feelings is approx 30 seconds....super fun!
But really I am shocked that most women are not running around talking about how they survived peri/menopause. You are the real heroes in my eyes. And for those of you with teenagers and 20+ year olds….send me your address as I’d like to send you a damn cape and trophy.
Motherhood can be exhausting and at the same time it’s my greatest motivation and joy.
I think it can be described as what Brene Brown calls brutiful….brutal at times and more beautiful than words can capture. In the beginning for those of us Type A Moms it’s pretty fun, because we can tell them what to do, how to do, when to do, etc. Then year by year (and certainly the more children we have) the more reality hits. They are not ours but rather their own beings. They will push and pull, love us wildly and deeply resent us, yell and cry and certainly test most boundaries.
I am learning that motherhood is a very slow process of letting go in so many ways.
My oldest leaves for college in the Fall, as to where, we still do not know, but I am left trying to find that balance between holding on and letting go. It’s both heartbreaking and massively heart-expanding to see him find his independence and develop his sense of self.
My grief is already starting as our family dynamic will change so drastically but what I know is that often grief is too deep for our minds to manage so we have to go beyond and rely on faith, love, and hope.
Perimenopause be damned, I'm sticking with faith, love and hope...at least for the next 30 seconds.