49....happy & hopeful yet completely humbled by this thing called life
Tomorrow at 5:12am I will enter my 49th year of life. My mother left this earthy realm at the mere age of 50 years old so I am very aware of the precariousness of my emotional, mental, and physical stability.
That said, it's not easy. Human life is not easy. These past few years have been anything but easy. My body is changing, my mind is changing, the world is changing and all of it can be tough to navigate. Through the years it's been difficult for me to deny/avoid; I am defensive, I lose my patience on the regular, my communication skills are lacking at best, I eat Oreos when I'm stressed, I avoid uncomfortable situations, I have said so many things I regret, I have done so many things I regret (Oreos gone wild), the list goes on and on as to what I could/would have done differently.
But I am human. We humans stumble/fall and we usually rise. We suffer pain/heartache and we usually survive. We do harm and we usually try to mend. We are fearful and brave, callous and warm-hearted, shameful and proud, vulnerable and resilient. We are human. And most of us are just doing the best we can do, year by year, month by month, day by day and moment by moment. Each of us is worthy of forgiveness, of support, of love, and of freedom.
Alas, as I enter my 49th year I am grateful for all I have been given in this lifetime. I have two sisters who are equally as balanced and unbalanced as I, yet are my anchors. I have my Dad who has been my go-to and my steady for the past 49 years. I have my extended family who were my comfort during my topsy-turvy adolescence. I have my husband, the engineer, who is firmly bound in general but unequivocally bound to me and our children yet is working, like I am, on loosening the grip of expectation and patterns. I have my children, my 3 amazing, trying, incredible, exhausting, unique, challenging children who have humbled me beyond words. I have my dear friends who have been my soft place to land and have allowed me to laugh, cry, or just be me. I have my past and the friends who supported me when my mom died; I have vivd memories of laying on my bed surrounded by them. I have college friends, co-workers, my yoga community, and more..
I am almost 49 years old, I am human, I am lucky to be alive and I am beyond a doubt grateful and blessed.